I thought I wasn’t an anxious person. I thought I was a busy person with a stressful life, who, of course, I had some anxiety.
We’ve cut out at least 70% of the stress we used to have and still my anxiety races from my head to my chest and back like a squirrel on meth.
“How is this going to work? Can we really live on the money we have? How can we live on the money we have? How much will the other condo bring in on rentals? Are we crazy? If I only eat beans and rice every day, will I get scurvy?”
A prophetic sign on the beach from the song Head First in the River by Envy on the Coast.
There are so many unknowns. We haven’t gotten an electric bill at our new home yet. I’m pretty freaked out about that and afraid to use the A/C. Everyone says electricity is the biggest bill they get. But it’s hot and humid every day so we must use it. When we have it set at 27 degrees Celsius it’s sticky and I’m stressed because I’m sticky. When we have it at 25 degrees it’s cool and I’m not sticky but I’m stressed because I don’t know how much it’s costing. 26 degrees should be perfect, but it’s not, it’s slightly cooler but still sticky.
“I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through misery and suffering. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from.” Agent Smith
In The Matrix Agent Smith is explaining to Neo how they keep humans alive as batteries with a complicated simulation and how they lost millions of crops (people) in the beginning because the simulation was a paradise with no worries and the brains of the people tied into the system kept rejecting it.
That’s me. I’m in a situation where I can live at a slower pace, with less responsibilities, and fewer outside stressors and relax more and my mind is rejecting it because I don’t know any other way to live.
I am a human doing, not a human being, who measures myself by what I accomplish.
I wake up like this:
Light brightens the room. Birds start to chirp and twitter outside. I reach for my phone. It’s 5:30 am.
My thoughts: “Oh, good. It’s early. I should get up now, get coffee, grab a pen, and get started writing. But I’m kinda tired still, maybe I can sleep another 45 minutes. But then I’m wasting the morning. But I did move here to slow down. But I hate the feeling of wasting a morning. I need to get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, take my vitamins (they are prescriptions, but I don’t want you to know I take prescriptions, so I say vitamins) oh, and brush my hair, and get dressed. Then coffee and straight to writing, no scrolling TikTok or the news.”
I split the difference and scroll through the news laying in bed and finally roll out of bed at 6:30.
Perfect now I’ve wasted time, accomplished nothing, and feel sad because the world is imploding and exploding at the same time.
I get coffee and decide to cheer myself up with funny dog videos.
Next time I check it’s 8 am and my dogs want to eat and go for a walk so I do that cause I have to. When we get back 20 minutes later, we’re all tired, I’m covered in sweat, and my old friend Anxiety is ridding me piggyback, whispering in my ear.
“It’s all going to come crashing down you know. You’ll never do this. What were you thinking? You’ll never get a break, you’ll never measure up, and you’ll never amount to anything of value. Did you think running away from the world and hiding by the beach was going to feel good?”
“Yeah,” I mumble, “For a little while at least.”
I convince myself that if I do something, accomplish a task, I’ll feel better. I make a checklist.
Then I freak out over the checklist because there’s still a lot of stuff to buy to get the other condo ready to rent. Money going out, not much coming in.
My stomach flips into a knot and my heart does a jazz skat solo.
I check my watch, 10 am. Is it too early to nap?
See what I mean? This is just a sample. A fraction. A fragment.
What Can I Learn Here?
I had a wonderful horse who changed my life in many ways, but he used to spook (a horse term for any startled movement ranging from a quick twitch to a spinning, lurching, rearing, mad dash for the hills) at inanimate objects. He would prefer to launch himself off a cliff than stand still while a plastic bag trapped by a bush, fluttered in the wind.
Interestingly though when it came to real challenges; like wading in the ocean, herding cattle, or navigating the chaotic backstage environment at a huge equine exhibition to perform in a dark arena under a spotlight in front of hundreds of people he was fine. All focus and energy, no fear.
He would worry himself to a quivering mess of sweat and raw nerves over nothing and charge into a challenge like the mighty steed he was.
Hmmm. I feel there’s a lesson there, a vague similarity to my own life.
I did, eventually, train him to have a more tempered response to the unspeakable terror of giant boulders and plastic bags. To ask me if the thing he thought was the end of the world was dangerous or not and then trust me when I said no.
As I’m typing this I hear a cosmic “Ahem” over my shoulder, God gently clearing his throat to get my attention and say, “Ditto”.
“Oh, really?” I say back.
“Yeah.”
UPDATE 07/30/2022
So you don't worry, thinking I've buried myself in the sand I wanted to let you know that we did get the electric bill and it was a staggering $75. I can now keep the temp set to 25 without fear of blowing the budget. I am much less sticky and much less worried about it.
My daughter gave me a book on simple steps to peace. I read a bit of it every day and feel better about life.
Don and I have been practicing slowing down, it takes practice! It helps to be in a country where no one seems to be in a hurry. I feel our practice it paying off.
Pura Vida!
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